Let’s talk about the human body because it is truly marvellous, isn’t it? We are finely tuned engines that can achieve a multitude of tasks. Our bodies can be moulded into beautiful angels or we can build up muscles to rival Hercules. The body even has built in spare parts which can also benefit other human bodies if they fail. We are powered by our beautiful brains, giving us the gift of consciousness (some more than others..) there are people out there who have accomplished amazing things. We have ribs to protect our hearts that supply us with oxygen and nutrients through the circulatory system. Impressive, huh? Well as it happens, I am going to talk about functions that may cause a problem during a zombie apocalypse. Shall we begin…?
If you haven’t already guessed what the first unhelpful function is by this picture than you may want to take yourself elsewhere this section isn’t for prudishness. Congratulations for those of you who have worked out that it is in fact gas, gold stars for everyone! Yep, a few months down the line your food supply might be a bit hit and miss. This will inevitably affect your digestive system especially if a fellow survivor decides spices could be used to add flavour to bland items on the menu but in the zombie apocalypse you need to be as quiet as a ninja and possibly hide if there are too many to tackle. You could be hiding in a cupboard trying to be as quiet as a mouse then you feel it in your gut bubbling away like cauldron. Any effort to not make a noise has been ripped out (quite literally) from under your feet as the apocalyptic diet has taken its toll on your gut and you can do nothing to stop the gas leak leaving your body at an alarming rate. Now you know farts can actually kill because once your rump trumps the sound is going to attract some rather unwanted attention.
Catching the common cold isn’t usually a problem even though it can annoy those around us when we are constantly sneezing and coughing, that is just our clever brain kicking into action to clear any unwanted germs from different parts of our nostrils and throats. Take a second to apply these involuntary functions to the zombie apocalypse, now you have become an unintentional zombie calling beacon, no place is safe with you around. This may also cause paranoia as you ponder whether your survival team can put up with you regularly calling the undead and putting everyone’s safety at risk. Will you wake up and find they’ve left you behind as walking zombie bait? The common cold has no place in the apocalypse when trying to dodge the undead instead you become fleshy meals on wheels also, I would like to wish anyone with asthma or allergies good luck in the zombie apocalypse.
When you watch a zombie film/series for obvious reasons nobody ever gets the norovirus (sickness and diarrhoea in polite terms also technically not a function), I mean there is already one badass virus going around reanimating the dead who needs another? Well there is always a chance that the norovirus will come knocking, lets face it your immune systems going to be pretty low if you are not able to take proper care of your body. Firstly, if you are on the move you are double screwed already but what happens next? So many questions come to mind, do your crew gather round you as your body double fountains out unwanted matter to protect you from the undead? If you aren’t cringing yet, I am! When you feel like you are dying from the inside out you might even consider surrendering yourself to the undead for sweet relief from what ails you because there is no stopping the volcanic hell that resides inside your body at this point, it’s not like copious amounts of toilet rolls and mints are on hand. Constantly vomiting eradicates your ability to combat the living dead, I can’t even walk let alone kick butt, in other words if you are on your own then you are going to be zombie chow. In the event of a zombie apocalypse Dioralyte might not go amiss or possibly plugging every orifice imaginable. Check me out offering survival advice!