I’d be THE Inconvenience

In a survival group there are always really useful people then there is the one pain in the butt who can’t go five minutes without needing someone’s help, turns out that person would probably me! Admitting this is so hard, I would like to think in the event of a zombie that I’d be an undead killing badass, but the likelihood of this happening is zero. Why? My first reason being I have no sense of direction although this isn’t an essential part of surviving the Z-pocalypse as long as you direct yourself away from any oncoming zombies, you’re safe. In this type of situation finding a permanent place to reside is important which for a start is going to involve a good amount of map reading and I can’t even direct myself round where I live, when people ask me for directions it is like losing the Sat Nav lottery. I am geographically deficient except there isn’t a vitamin tablet I can take to help me. If I got lost on a supply run, I would be dead, there’d be no way in hell that I could manage to find my way back to camp in an unfamiliar area let alone find anywhere to get supplies.

I don’t know how to use a gun; I don’t know where to find a gun and lastly I know nothing about guns but that amazingly that is not even my point! My body has some weird-ass reaction to adrenaline as soon as I get a surge of it in my system I start shaking. I can’t even watch a horror film or even play hide ‘n’ seek without looking like I have 500 vibrating phones stashed under my clothes. Imagine that attached to a gun, now the equivalent of this would be to let a sex toy hold a gun, you know what it’d probably do a better job too!

Let’s just say I’m not fast, I can’t run but I can hide so that’s a bonus. Cardio hasn’t really introduced itself into my life yet which is going to be an issue because the Z-pocalypse is gonna require a fair amount of running, meaning someone is going to be in more danger trying keep my butt safe whilst I endeavour to keep up with everyone else in a bid not become zombie chow. I do exercise (honestly) running just happens to be something I avoid, maybe I should consider doing it more?… Nah! Surely there will be plenty of hiding places in the Z-pocalypse, all I need to do is be quiet (e.g. not fart) and I have the advantage of being small so I can fit in most places. It’ll just be a game of hide ‘n’ seek where I certainly don’t want to be found.

Cracking into a human skull requires 2,300 newtons of force, we shouldn’t be surprised by this fact as our bodies were built to protect itself from damage. I’ll confess that I’m not known for my strength at all, when people talk about me, they are not talking about how strong I am. I don’t honestly know whether I could open up someone’s head with my muscle-less arms, don’t get me wrong I’d give it a damn good go though. See you can understand why I would be an inconvenience to a group of survivors the only reason I’d manage to stay alive is having a solid group behind me. I am would be the pain in the derriere that is always going to be getting lost and need saving but somehow survive the longest….probably.

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10 Comments

  1. This really made me giggle.

    I’d be crap, but my sons friend is all set for it, so I’m gonna stick with her… if she’ll have me! She is quite particular about who she will have on board!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There was a parody film that made a thing about the skulls – I think it was The Walking Deceased and at the end they are beheading zombies with pillows XD
    It’s one of the things that always surprises me that writers try to get around the strength of a skull with decay and decomposition when skeletons and skulls are what survive such environments!

    Running is too noisy anyway – lets just build a zip wire over the zombies 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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